Last week The Daily Galaxy did a post about a would-be saboteur arrested on April 1 at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland who made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Several of the Galaxy's readers took us to task for falling hopelessly for what appeared on the surface to be an April's Fool Joke.
But our Euro-based editor suspected that the so-called "April Fool's" timing was a cover, a clever ruse, indeed, a red herring planted by CERN authorities -stung by the recent bad press about the LHC creating incipient black holes that could destroy the planet- to cloak a much bigger and more terrifying story.
We also know that CERN authorities were upset last year when the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so "abhorrent" that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery (more on this later).
So we dug deeper, ignoring that popular canard that when you find yourself in a hole, to stop digging.
Here's what our man in Geneva, Hugh McCleod, unearthed (in a manner of speaking) from several top-ranking CERN sources who insisted on anonymity.
First, insisting that his name was Eloi Cole, the strangely dressed young man wearing a florescent bow tie told authorities that he had traveled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world . Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. Authorities reported that he would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from." He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender. The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier that week, a milestone Mr Cole admitted he was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines -a beverage many of CERN's more brilliant physicists believe (as does the American politician, Sarah Palin and pundit, Glenn Beck) helps fuel their brain power and insights into the quantum world. (We'll elaborate on the Mountain Dew connection later in the story).
Under intensive interrogation Cole told CERN investigators that "All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world" and eventually admitted that his real name was not Eloi Cole, but rather, Arthur Dent. His identity was subsequently confirmed by British physicist and rock star, Brian Cox, employed at CERN who recognized the above quote as a seminal ID marker from the 1970s bestseller, The Hitchhiker's Guide the the Galaxy.
Following his initial interrogation, The Daily Galaxylearned that Mr Cole/Dent was taken to a "secure" mental health facility in Geneva, but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, we learned, "but not that bothered." We suspect they should be. Here's why:
Dent (aka Cole) was observed, McLeod learned from an elderly custodian, to have been assisted in his escape from the CERN detention center by a tall distracted visitor, an out of work actor claiming to be Dent's friend who signed the daily register with the initials "FP."
The physicist/Bono wannabe Cox told authorities that the initials might belong to a truth-is-stranger-than-fiction character named Ford Prefect. This friend, who told a receptionist that he was delivering a towel to Dent/Cole prior to their rushed escape, left behind, we learned, a severely dog-eared copy of a popular biography, The Second Coming of Steve Jobs. We are unsure at the moment of how this might relate to unfolding events.
The delivery of the towel confirms in our opinion the re-emergence on Planet Earth of Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect. The towels we know from our readings of the original Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy give the pair extraordinary powers: "A towel," it says, "is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough."
The Daily Galaxy, textual experts in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, also know that if the text is to be taken as gospel, which we believe it should be, that both Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect have made several past appearances throughout Earth's history via worm holes or other currently unknown wrinkles in the space-time continuum.
We also believe that Eloi Cole/Dent's obsession with Mountain Dew Code Red combined with Dent and FP's possession of towels, points to a theory that has meaningful and perhaps dire implications for Earth.
The Mountain Dew formula was invented in Lumberton, North Carolina by a man named William H. Jones. This William H. Jones, we have learned, was born and raised in Dulce, New Mexico, the alleged site of Dulce Base, the name for an alleged secret underground facility under the Archuleta Mesa. The base is claimed to be a multi-leveled "genetics lab" in which both humans and extraterrestrial beings cooperatively conduct experiments.
Hugh McLeod and The Daily Galaxy investigative team were contacted by unnamed sources to set up a series of follow up interviews with the mysterious "FP" and Arthur Dent (aka Cole) at an undisclosed secret location in Chile's Patagonia.
These odd series of events have led us to conclude that the original Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by deceased (perhaps) Douglas Adams may have been not about Earth, but was actually a vivid message to us about the fate of Earth's twin in our adjacent parallel universe or brane -a theory reinforced by recent advances in cosmology proposed by physicists such as Neil Turok and Lee Smolin.
Hugh McLeod's upcoming rendezvous with Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect later this week should prove momentous, if not historic. We expect we'll discover a not mostly harmless link between the hidden symbolism of Mountain Dew Code Red and the recent earthquake in Haiti and Indonesia, massive volcanic eruptions in Iceland and Chile, the mining disasters in China and West Virginia, and Newt Gingrich's decision to run for president in 2012.
This is the second installment of a Daily Galaxy SciFi investigative series. Reader leads, videos, images, and alternative theories and characters are welcomed and will be incorporated and posted in upcoming installments. Send to email@example.com
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